We #willgiveitback

A couple of days to go for the biggest cricketing event after the IPL, Champions League,T20 Worldcup and Jhumritallaiya Premier League and Team Blue are gearing up for the defence (or it is defense? Damn you Big Apple nuts!)of their title and I’m finding ways to roast them!

Talking of roast, I hope this one doesn’t get taken down like the one which featured a gay, a sexual creep and a big-toothed-ex-fatguy-dating-current-fatgirl. We’ve got some of the biggest names in world cricket in our team and all we can come up with for a slogan, anthem, chant etc. is… We won’t give it back! I mean come on, I know we are a cheap bunch of people but please don’t make it so glaringly obvious that the 5 other countries who regularly pummel you on field (South Africa, New Zealand, England, Pakistan, Sri Lanka) will start taking the mickey out of you off the field too! (Australia is a continent and West Indies is nothing but a result of my people venturing off to somewhere near North America just to prove Columbus right).

A swat analysis follows (yes they’re going to be swatted), of the players who are likely to not give anything back down under:

1) Shikhar Dhawan: Not related to David Dhawan. Although his batting reminds me of David’s comedies! Has an Australian wife, so it’s either World Cup or Brea-cup mate!
2) Rohit Sharma: Potential and talent get you nowhere. A cross between a sloth and a snow monkey brandishing a cricket bat. Also known as No-hit.
3) Virat Sharma..sorry Kohli: Arrogance in abundance, also goes by the name MCBC. Has burnt all records of Band Baaja Baraat. 
4) Ajinkya Rahane: Looks like Rahul Dravid when he was 6 years old. Bats like Rahul Dravid when he was 36 years old.
5) Suresh Raina: Definitely he is the Suresh from the 5-star advertisement. Forgets that the bat is to be used as well.
6) MS Dhoni: Nope not Ms. Dhoni. Aadmi hai yaar ye. Captain bhi. Last seen losing games against Australia, England, South Africa and New Zealand. Always leaves it till the very end. Wife must love him!
7) Ravindra Jadeja:  Only person to be knighted without being knighted. Can’t bat, can’t bowl. Has a younger version of him as replacement.
8) Axar Patel: I wonder if he changed his spelling due to the Axe commercials but it’s not fetching him anything; least of all hot girls. A younger replacement of no. 7 albeit worse.
9) Ravi Ashwin: He’s the true dancer of the team. His bowling action evolves faster than Darwin had theorized. Is the next Sobers and Dhoni’s “friend”.
10) Stuart Binny: All bachelor teammates hate him. Married Mayanti Langer. Finding ET is easier than finding how/why she fell for him!

11) Mohammed Shami: Our neighbors had Sami, we have Shami. No difference in skills(or lack of therein).
12) Ambati Rayudu: Was U-19 captain for Dhawan, Raina, Irfan Pathan. It seems the selectors have selected him out of pity.
13) Umesh Yadav:  A Yadav from Vidarbha. Fantastic! Failed to join the Army or Police, thus plays cricket to earn two meals a day.
14) Bhuvaneshwar Kumar: The team once had a “kelewala” who bowled a bit. This guy seems like his concubine child.
15) Mohit Sharma: Called up as a replacement for Ishant Sharma. Nuff said!

Honestly, with this lineup we aren’t capable of giving anything back.

But boss… World Cup Sri-knee ne khareeda nahi hai abtak… so We #willgiveitback 

Hakuna MatAA(p)ta

General elections took place this week in my national capital and results were declared “yesterday evening” (yup, my English is poor) resulting in a landslide victory for the Mango Man Party (MMP). A certain muffler clad mango man called upon his army of mango men in the state to decimate the oppositions headed by a tea vendor and a retard. Mangoes, tea, retards, perfect start to an article which will be read by 2 people…me and myself <insert narcissistic comment>

Quite a few things are going to change in my national capital though and me being Dr. Rohit Mehra..”Aila mujhe sab dikhta hai, sab dekh sakta hoon..main future dekhunga, PK ko bulaunga!” (to be read in with this expression:

Test tube mein future dikhega!

1) MMP will be asked to change its logo to Vacuum Cleaner after a case filed in the Supreme Court. The retard party took objection to the current logo (broom). A spokesperson will quote:

“Jhaadoo itna safaya nahi kar sakta. Vacuum cleaner hota toh hum maan bhi lete.”

2) The MMP though will change its logo to Bamboo. Afterall, sabki ‘G’ mein daal diya hai!

3) The MMP will select Day-tall as its prime sponsor. Just like the advert for the soap shows, mango men also cleaned the state barring a few germs here and there.

4) Muffler sales will take a massive boost and will generally get overpriced. Indian cricket players will wear mufflers instead of helmets in the upcoming world cup. A few mufflers will be stolen from overpriced shops. People and players will be seen shouting “We won’t give it back”.

5) Remember Dexter’s Lab, where he has a sister Dee-Dee. Well our dynasty retard will have a sister too; she will be called Bay-dee. Dee-Dee is cute, on the other hand Bay-dee is well..a garba singer! Here’s proof:

"Bay-dee hoon mai"

6) Mango Man leader will look to score a half century at least, this time around. After being dismissed for 49, he will pray not to get run-out on 99. If he does, this would then be a good thing. Bama effect you see; $1, $2 shops will become a rage, only that they’ll be called 49-99 shops (well..they already are)

7) I will learn to make better jokes and not laugh at them myself. Well...NO!

Jumma Chumma Mat de!

I start this post in a strange way, with a wiki reference. 

Kiss of Love protest is a non-violent protest against moral policing started in Kerala and later spread to other parts of India. The movement began when a Facebook page called 'Kiss of love' asked the youth across Kerala to participate in a protest against moral policing on November 2 at Marine Drive, Cochin

In the famous Hindi song, picturized on India’s poor farmer, the fellow asks the girl for a kiss, singing “Jumma Chumma de de” as she refuses his demands. Now things have a changed. It’s more like “Chumma le le”. How Mr. Bach would’ve wished he was born in today’s world where kissing in movies is the norm and doing the same in public becomes a full blown campaign.

But my job is not to give my two pence worth on why its right or wrong or perform any moral policing upon the youths. I’ll just be penning, sorry writing… sorry typing out my thoughts on how stupid it is; both, to start such a motion and to have police and religious bigots trying to stop it. India is a country where nothing lasts for long, especially campaigns and movements targeting the (however non-existent it might be) LAW.

An article that I stumbled across online, caught my eye as it was totally against this campaign, demeaning it uncultured and un-hindutva or whatever else. The following questions are similar to those posed in the article but I promise, the answers not. Rather they are intended to cause total damage to everybody’s religious sentiments and downgrade the culture of my country to new and abject lows.

Q.1) Kissing is all about love, why are you against it? Anything to do with Indian culture or religion(s)?
A) What the hell? Who said we’re against love? We are liberal people and a secular country. Yes we will keep saying that we wrote the Kama sutra and that we don’t oppose sex and PDA but we’ll continue to do the same. Because, Hypocrisy.

Q.2) But why the blatant hypocrisy?
A) We saw 12 year old girls get pregnant in the west and thought, “Well we have 12 year old girls getting married and thus pregnant, so it’s fine as they’re married.” It’s the unmarried lot that we’re concerned about, however mature or sensible (or not) they might be.

Q.3) Pissing is allowed in India and kissing is not? Your take?
A) Bhai pissing is a natural occurrence. It helps to fertilize the soil and thus makes the trees grow faster. So we let that happen (no not as a law but ae vai). Also, we do what the West has stopped doing and vice versa. The West has almost stopped kissing on streets, so we started it. Ask them to start pissing please.
Plus, we can’t let our kids see this happening live. They have movies and sitcoms for ‘those scenes’. 

Q.4) But I heard it’s still common in the West to kiss in public, so why not follow suit?
A) Arre baba (getting irritated) I said na, they have almost stopped there. We do what they don’t. Let me explain. They have fantastic infrastructure, great planning and the ability to put in the hard yards. Do we have that? We can kiss, piss and get hard (Kamasutra founders you see).
And if two adults get too cozy in public in the developed countries they’re asked to get a room. ROOM?!?!? Kitna mehenga hai pata hai kya? Bandstand jaisa room nahi hai koi! Ekdum khullam khulla! 

Q.5) But why pick on these adolescent nobody’s?
A) Yes, I was coming to that. We have to protect our ancient culture and heritage. Dowry, casteism, domestic violence, acid attacks, rapes, eve teasing… all these petty issues can be handled by our extremely capable cops. Also, weren’t the first three examples a part of our culture? So we cannot possibly oppose them. To hell with the women (and men) who suffer due to these glaring issues. I hope I’ve answered your questions. Now if you may let me go I have to catch some youths kissing on the road and slap them with charges of promoting homosexuality as well.

COME ON INDIA…NO FOOTBALL!

Bonjour les amis!

After a bit of a hiatus from writing, I’m back to meddle with your brains while I attempt to locate my own (in vain). In spite of promising you and myself that I’ll write anything but sports on this blog, the sports freak in me let me down. And as all promises are meant to be broken (Guys, try telling that to your girlfriend and meet me if you survive) this one too meets the same fate. I couldn’t stave off the mother ship and in any case, the blog is based on world affairs and sport is a world affair (ball games…err…you get the point)

Rather strangely though, it is a world affair apart from Cricket, which has been downgraded to the status of a local sport now. Not exactly, with the Chinese taking to bats and balls after failing to drive, but Shaolin Cricket and racist jibes isn’t what I’m discussing here.

You have to believe that a country blessed with sportsmen of the caliber of Venkatpathy Raju and top notch athletes like Munaf Patel must be brimming with talent in the sporting industry. With fitness connoisseurs like Viru and VVS in their ranks, always ready to give a tri-athlete a run for his money, Indian Sport is in safe hands.

See what I did there? I’m Indian goddammit and the only sport I know is cricket so my analogies and examples are bound to revolve around the gentleman’s game. Cricket is my religion and… nonsense of the sort.

My peers and friends (yes I do have friends too) have asked me as to why India is top notch at cricket and equally abject at other sports. I never put too much thought into this, putting it down to genetics, interest and a penchant to do minimum work.

The best football player…no not soccer, you nosey republicans! How a sport that involves throwing a leather egg can be called football mystifies me. But we’ll deal with that on a later date. Coming back, the best football player in the world, a certain CR7 said sometime back that he was frustrated with his country’s abject performances at world events. Although he was captain, the others have to pass that round thing to him, of which they were/are incapable. He narrowed down the reason to Portugal; a small nation with small copu… err population, incapable of producing quality players on a regular basis.

Sir I request you to play for India. We have a rich Portuguese history in Mumbai which also has a Santacruz, so you’ll feel totally at home. Also we have a huge fanbase which is much more than the population of your country. Major concern also solved mate! We aren’t a small country incapable of producing talent.

We are a billion plus people, rooting for you with all our might and totally incapable of producing 20 world beaters (and I mean w.r.t. sports and not literally). The fact that we suck at both is another story altogether.

Yes my friends, the most populous country in the world and the best that we’ve managed to far in producing Europe quality football players is: Sun-Chet. In Sporting Lisbon’s B team. Without  getting a game.

Seriously? B-team? No game time there too?
My friend, Mr. Patil had to say this,”Arre bhai he captain no in country? How you not take him to kick-ball?

But Mr. Patil, he no able kick ball also better than 17 yr old Portugalese kid.

Enough with the rubbish English, lest the Queen sue me.

I can very well get down and serious into the nitty-gritty’s of why we can’t make the cut or what is lacking in Indian football, or other sports in general but I’m apparently not mature enough yet. Although the ISL is a decent move, it doesn’t seem anything other than a pension plan for retired footballers. So till we really improve from the roots upwards, its… COME ON INDIAAAA…NO FOOTBAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAL!

Book review: There’s always a price tag- James Hadley Chase

My first sane post..read on:

Consider the age old plot; a man commits a murder and then tries to cover up by making it appear to be a suicide and escape scot-free. Renowned mystery and thriller author René Lodge Brabazon Raymond, better known by his pseudonym James Hadley Chase, turns this clichéd plot upside down in his book, “There’s always a Price Tag”. He offers us a reverse of this tale; about a man who attempts to make a suicide look like a murder to get his mitts on the massive insurance sum of the victim.

While loafing around a midnight bar, Glyn Nash, a freelancer rescues Hollywood mogul Erle Dester who is in an inebriated state, from being tagged by a speeding car. Impressed by the young man’s quick thinking and reflexes, Dester takes him home and soon appoints Nash his “chauffeur-cum-handyman job” where he “would be at his beck and call twenty-four hours of the day”.

Naturally Nash seems uninterested, considering how poorly most rich men treat their chauffeurs, but a voice from behind him, that of Dester’s sultry wife Helen roots him to the spot. Chase brilliantly describes Nash’s feelings upon seeing Helen as, “Have you ever fiddled with an electric fitment and got a shock up your arm? Of course you have; you know the kind of jolt it gives you: something you can't control; a jolt that hurts, but doesn't bruise; something that hits your muscles and leaves you a little breathless”.  It’s typically Chase here with his analogies and references to common objects to define someone so attractive!

Nash gets nosey and manages to find out that before marrying Dester, Helen was involved with another man in New York who dies under mysterious circumstances but Helen was unable to acquire the insurance money after his death. He also finds out that Dester has been insured for a huge sum of 750000 dollars which Helen would inherit in case of her husband’s death, for which she has been trying to knock him off.  Again Chase at the top of his game describing Nash’s sentiments; “A chill as cold and as creepy as the finger of death crawled up my spine”

With the situation very ripe for a conspiracy, Nash blackmails Helen about knowing all this and they both hatch a plan to kill Dester, who in any case was deep in debt and on the verge of bankruptcy. It all goes well until a cruel twist of fate wherein Dester confides in Helen and Nash that he would be committing suicide and only if it can be proven as murder would Helen inherit all his wealth. Saying this he shoots himself.

Panicking, Helen and Nash dump the body in the freezer and think of a way to cover up the suicide as murder. They concoct a cock and bull story about Dester being out of town for a business trip while Nash comes up with a blitzkrieg idea about Dester being kidnapped on his way to a sanatorium. Helen and Nash hire a housemaid and use her as witness when Nash poses as Dester and slips out of the house. The plan is that Glyn would tie up Helen to show as if she is kidnapped so as to alert the police. But in his quest for realism, he accidentally strikes a fatal blow to Helen and kills her.

As fate would have it, Nash finds out that Dester had in fact left his entire fortune for him. Whether Nash succeeds in escaping to bag the money or falls to his doom by being nabbed by the shrewd and experienced Maddox – Harmers combination keeps the reader glued to the book.

An ingenious plot, subtle deception and  a great, fast paced storyline that keeps you captivated with some Chase specials, it’s a must read!

Baba bama kya hai drama!

Place: Iraq, Syria or any other oil bearing + machine gun wielding country.

Time: Anytime.

Purpose: Bald Eagle troops running amok in pursuit of bearded men and nuclear arms (read Oil)

If this to you seems like an RSVP invite then you are an American trooper who has no natural enemies and thus sets base in Middle Eastern states to conjure up a few. Who doesn’t get a kick out of war eh?!

Bho who officially is the leader of Ira…afgha..pakis..sorry..America has always loved displaying his overt obsession for peace in every other nation that it’s unclear as to which country he really belongs to. Having taken up world peace as his primary objective, he wages war against any country, state or gram panchayat that threatens to burst his bubble. Honestly, taking over the mantle from GW Jr. was never going to be an easy task. Spending billions on nonsense is a dying art and ‘O’ not only seems to have seamlessly taken over but rather surpassed all his predecessors.

Conniving to burst into Middle Eastern nations with alarming, repeated and barefaced regularity seems to be a forte of American President. Not that one would expect them to be any less nosey (after all this seems to be the prime criteria for the recipients of AF1). Speaking of which, Bama off late has been completing his bucket list, which included a trip to Stonehenge. No sir, no oil in these rocks. Wonder if this list also includes shortening his nose (nope, I don’t expect him to do an MJ).

After raiding into my neighbor land to blow Sama to smithereens, the Bald Eagles decided to spread their wings; or re-spread, however you like to consider it. Sitting idle is just too mainstream (or Indian politician like) you see! They’ve got so good at being nosey now, that just a few years after getting their asses off Sad-dam territory they almost anticipated the increasing turmoil there. Again the, ”Thy peace be my peace”, global brotherhood kicked in and they touched down into a huge Cr-isis.

Who’re these Cr-isis mongers u ask? They were born to a secret mating ritual between Martians and retarded executioners from the 1600’s. Well no. I have no clue and honestly I prefer irritating my peers for a few more glorious years before I decide to hang up my he..err boots.

After Sad-dam, we now had angry-dam (excuse the bad joke) and they began to gun down anything in their path. Why they would target American journos is beyond the realms of my puny intelligence. I mean seriously is Bama going to have chills down his spine every night after two innocent citizens of his country are…well let’s cut out the gore (pun unintended).

Joke: What would Bama be called if he lied a lot (more than he does now)?

Ans: Pinnochi-o-bama!

Other countries although, would be bloody miffed. Longer nose? Not nosey enough eh?

Thus my friends, to be assured of world peace we must hope and pray that Bho continues to launder the federal reserves on his nose(y) jobs.

Cheerio!