We #willgiveitback

A couple of days to go for the biggest cricketing event after the IPL, Champions League,T20 Worldcup and Jhumritallaiya Premier League and Team Blue are gearing up for the defence (or it is defense? Damn you Big Apple nuts!)of their title and I’m finding ways to roast them!

Talking of roast, I hope this one doesn’t get taken down like the one which featured a gay, a sexual creep and a big-toothed-ex-fatguy-dating-current-fatgirl. We’ve got some of the biggest names in world cricket in our team and all we can come up with for a slogan, anthem, chant etc. is… We won’t give it back! I mean come on, I know we are a cheap bunch of people but please don’t make it so glaringly obvious that the 5 other countries who regularly pummel you on field (South Africa, New Zealand, England, Pakistan, Sri Lanka) will start taking the mickey out of you off the field too! (Australia is a continent and West Indies is nothing but a result of my people venturing off to somewhere near North America just to prove Columbus right).

A swat analysis follows (yes they’re going to be swatted), of the players who are likely to not give anything back down under:

1) Shikhar Dhawan: Not related to David Dhawan. Although his batting reminds me of David’s comedies! Has an Australian wife, so it’s either World Cup or Brea-cup mate!
2) Rohit Sharma: Potential and talent get you nowhere. A cross between a sloth and a snow monkey brandishing a cricket bat. Also known as No-hit.
3) Virat Sharma..sorry Kohli: Arrogance in abundance, also goes by the name MCBC. Has burnt all records of Band Baaja Baraat. 
4) Ajinkya Rahane: Looks like Rahul Dravid when he was 6 years old. Bats like Rahul Dravid when he was 36 years old.
5) Suresh Raina: Definitely he is the Suresh from the 5-star advertisement. Forgets that the bat is to be used as well.
6) MS Dhoni: Nope not Ms. Dhoni. Aadmi hai yaar ye. Captain bhi. Last seen losing games against Australia, England, South Africa and New Zealand. Always leaves it till the very end. Wife must love him!
7) Ravindra Jadeja:  Only person to be knighted without being knighted. Can’t bat, can’t bowl. Has a younger version of him as replacement.
8) Axar Patel: I wonder if he changed his spelling due to the Axe commercials but it’s not fetching him anything; least of all hot girls. A younger replacement of no. 7 albeit worse.
9) Ravi Ashwin: He’s the true dancer of the team. His bowling action evolves faster than Darwin had theorized. Is the next Sobers and Dhoni’s “friend”.
10) Stuart Binny: All bachelor teammates hate him. Married Mayanti Langer. Finding ET is easier than finding how/why she fell for him!

11) Mohammed Shami: Our neighbors had Sami, we have Shami. No difference in skills(or lack of therein).
12) Ambati Rayudu: Was U-19 captain for Dhawan, Raina, Irfan Pathan. It seems the selectors have selected him out of pity.
13) Umesh Yadav:  A Yadav from Vidarbha. Fantastic! Failed to join the Army or Police, thus plays cricket to earn two meals a day.
14) Bhuvaneshwar Kumar: The team once had a “kelewala” who bowled a bit. This guy seems like his concubine child.
15) Mohit Sharma: Called up as a replacement for Ishant Sharma. Nuff said!

Honestly, with this lineup we aren’t capable of giving anything back.

But boss… World Cup Sri-knee ne khareeda nahi hai abtak… so We #willgiveitback 

Hakuna MatAA(p)ta

General elections took place this week in my national capital and results were declared “yesterday evening” (yup, my English is poor) resulting in a landslide victory for the Mango Man Party (MMP). A certain muffler clad mango man called upon his army of mango men in the state to decimate the oppositions headed by a tea vendor and a retard. Mangoes, tea, retards, perfect start to an article which will be read by 2 people…me and myself <insert narcissistic comment>

Quite a few things are going to change in my national capital though and me being Dr. Rohit Mehra..”Aila mujhe sab dikhta hai, sab dekh sakta hoon..main future dekhunga, PK ko bulaunga!” (to be read in with this expression:

Test tube mein future dikhega!

1) MMP will be asked to change its logo to Vacuum Cleaner after a case filed in the Supreme Court. The retard party took objection to the current logo (broom). A spokesperson will quote:

“Jhaadoo itna safaya nahi kar sakta. Vacuum cleaner hota toh hum maan bhi lete.”

2) The MMP though will change its logo to Bamboo. Afterall, sabki ‘G’ mein daal diya hai!

3) The MMP will select Day-tall as its prime sponsor. Just like the advert for the soap shows, mango men also cleaned the state barring a few germs here and there.

4) Muffler sales will take a massive boost and will generally get overpriced. Indian cricket players will wear mufflers instead of helmets in the upcoming world cup. A few mufflers will be stolen from overpriced shops. People and players will be seen shouting “We won’t give it back”.

5) Remember Dexter’s Lab, where he has a sister Dee-Dee. Well our dynasty retard will have a sister too; she will be called Bay-dee. Dee-Dee is cute, on the other hand Bay-dee is well..a garba singer! Here’s proof:

"Bay-dee hoon mai"

6) Mango Man leader will look to score a half century at least, this time around. After being dismissed for 49, he will pray not to get run-out on 99. If he does, this would then be a good thing. Bama effect you see; $1, $2 shops will become a rage, only that they’ll be called 49-99 shops (well..they already are)

7) I will learn to make better jokes and not laugh at them myself. Well...NO!