Jumma Chumma Mat de!

I start this post in a strange way, with a wiki reference. 

Kiss of Love protest is a non-violent protest against moral policing started in Kerala and later spread to other parts of India. The movement began when a Facebook page called 'Kiss of love' asked the youth across Kerala to participate in a protest against moral policing on November 2 at Marine Drive, Cochin

In the famous Hindi song, picturized on India’s poor farmer, the fellow asks the girl for a kiss, singing “Jumma Chumma de de” as she refuses his demands. Now things have a changed. It’s more like “Chumma le le”. How Mr. Bach would’ve wished he was born in today’s world where kissing in movies is the norm and doing the same in public becomes a full blown campaign.

But my job is not to give my two pence worth on why its right or wrong or perform any moral policing upon the youths. I’ll just be penning, sorry writing… sorry typing out my thoughts on how stupid it is; both, to start such a motion and to have police and religious bigots trying to stop it. India is a country where nothing lasts for long, especially campaigns and movements targeting the (however non-existent it might be) LAW.

An article that I stumbled across online, caught my eye as it was totally against this campaign, demeaning it uncultured and un-hindutva or whatever else. The following questions are similar to those posed in the article but I promise, the answers not. Rather they are intended to cause total damage to everybody’s religious sentiments and downgrade the culture of my country to new and abject lows.

Q.1) Kissing is all about love, why are you against it? Anything to do with Indian culture or religion(s)?
A) What the hell? Who said we’re against love? We are liberal people and a secular country. Yes we will keep saying that we wrote the Kama sutra and that we don’t oppose sex and PDA but we’ll continue to do the same. Because, Hypocrisy.

Q.2) But why the blatant hypocrisy?
A) We saw 12 year old girls get pregnant in the west and thought, “Well we have 12 year old girls getting married and thus pregnant, so it’s fine as they’re married.” It’s the unmarried lot that we’re concerned about, however mature or sensible (or not) they might be.

Q.3) Pissing is allowed in India and kissing is not? Your take?
A) Bhai pissing is a natural occurrence. It helps to fertilize the soil and thus makes the trees grow faster. So we let that happen (no not as a law but ae vai). Also, we do what the West has stopped doing and vice versa. The West has almost stopped kissing on streets, so we started it. Ask them to start pissing please.
Plus, we can’t let our kids see this happening live. They have movies and sitcoms for ‘those scenes’. 

Q.4) But I heard it’s still common in the West to kiss in public, so why not follow suit?
A) Arre baba (getting irritated) I said na, they have almost stopped there. We do what they don’t. Let me explain. They have fantastic infrastructure, great planning and the ability to put in the hard yards. Do we have that? We can kiss, piss and get hard (Kamasutra founders you see).
And if two adults get too cozy in public in the developed countries they’re asked to get a room. ROOM?!?!? Kitna mehenga hai pata hai kya? Bandstand jaisa room nahi hai koi! Ekdum khullam khulla! 

Q.5) But why pick on these adolescent nobody’s?
A) Yes, I was coming to that. We have to protect our ancient culture and heritage. Dowry, casteism, domestic violence, acid attacks, rapes, eve teasing… all these petty issues can be handled by our extremely capable cops. Also, weren’t the first three examples a part of our culture? So we cannot possibly oppose them. To hell with the women (and men) who suffer due to these glaring issues. I hope I’ve answered your questions. Now if you may let me go I have to catch some youths kissing on the road and slap them with charges of promoting homosexuality as well.

COME ON INDIA…NO FOOTBALL!

Bonjour les amis!

After a bit of a hiatus from writing, I’m back to meddle with your brains while I attempt to locate my own (in vain). In spite of promising you and myself that I’ll write anything but sports on this blog, the sports freak in me let me down. And as all promises are meant to be broken (Guys, try telling that to your girlfriend and meet me if you survive) this one too meets the same fate. I couldn’t stave off the mother ship and in any case, the blog is based on world affairs and sport is a world affair (ball games…err…you get the point)

Rather strangely though, it is a world affair apart from Cricket, which has been downgraded to the status of a local sport now. Not exactly, with the Chinese taking to bats and balls after failing to drive, but Shaolin Cricket and racist jibes isn’t what I’m discussing here.

You have to believe that a country blessed with sportsmen of the caliber of Venkatpathy Raju and top notch athletes like Munaf Patel must be brimming with talent in the sporting industry. With fitness connoisseurs like Viru and VVS in their ranks, always ready to give a tri-athlete a run for his money, Indian Sport is in safe hands.

See what I did there? I’m Indian goddammit and the only sport I know is cricket so my analogies and examples are bound to revolve around the gentleman’s game. Cricket is my religion and… nonsense of the sort.

My peers and friends (yes I do have friends too) have asked me as to why India is top notch at cricket and equally abject at other sports. I never put too much thought into this, putting it down to genetics, interest and a penchant to do minimum work.

The best football player…no not soccer, you nosey republicans! How a sport that involves throwing a leather egg can be called football mystifies me. But we’ll deal with that on a later date. Coming back, the best football player in the world, a certain CR7 said sometime back that he was frustrated with his country’s abject performances at world events. Although he was captain, the others have to pass that round thing to him, of which they were/are incapable. He narrowed down the reason to Portugal; a small nation with small copu… err population, incapable of producing quality players on a regular basis.

Sir I request you to play for India. We have a rich Portuguese history in Mumbai which also has a Santacruz, so you’ll feel totally at home. Also we have a huge fanbase which is much more than the population of your country. Major concern also solved mate! We aren’t a small country incapable of producing talent.

We are a billion plus people, rooting for you with all our might and totally incapable of producing 20 world beaters (and I mean w.r.t. sports and not literally). The fact that we suck at both is another story altogether.

Yes my friends, the most populous country in the world and the best that we’ve managed to far in producing Europe quality football players is: Sun-Chet. In Sporting Lisbon’s B team. Without  getting a game.

Seriously? B-team? No game time there too?
My friend, Mr. Patil had to say this,”Arre bhai he captain no in country? How you not take him to kick-ball?

But Mr. Patil, he no able kick ball also better than 17 yr old Portugalese kid.

Enough with the rubbish English, lest the Queen sue me.

I can very well get down and serious into the nitty-gritty’s of why we can’t make the cut or what is lacking in Indian football, or other sports in general but I’m apparently not mature enough yet. Although the ISL is a decent move, it doesn’t seem anything other than a pension plan for retired footballers. So till we really improve from the roots upwards, its… COME ON INDIAAAA…NO FOOTBAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAL!